In anger I lashed out at the page, I needed the hug of the charcoal on paper - I never thought I'd hear my self say that. The abandonment of life drawing has finally caught up with me, the charcoal is haunting my thoughts, sneaking in with its lustful desires, calling and tempting me with its sensuality. My person and my business collided, I felt the anger and frustration well up - I decided to drown it in the paper and the charcoal; satisfyingly building the piles of dust on the pages as I scratched out the work.
I looked and felt like the collision was missing from the work - then I saw it - the devastation on the page, black smears tainting the pristine surface, fingerprints and smudged edges, dust and layers colliding with the white expanse. The collision happened both physically and mentally, the lines collided on the page, the thoughts collided in my head, my fingers collided with the charcoal and the page. The devastation was satisfying, the aftermath was beautiful.
To give poetry a voice is a tricky thing; its translated in such an individualistic way when read as a flat text that to speak it can provide agency or urgency but may also change its perception to those that have already perceived its voice in their own head.
At the end of MA1, I was starting to share some text-based work - I was uncomfortable and unsure where is would sit. I sat with it though, stopped resisting and let is flow when it was ready; normally when I'm uncomfortable or thinking too hard. The release has been greater when I'm FEELING, the angst of a teenager in a group of peers, the threat of defeat, in a discussion/debate, the worry of time.
I'll share some below in their formatted nature:
1.
Expectations to be freely burdened selfishly open marinating in practice Non-stop Til it pops Or the plot lost.
2.
Choosing the cliché, The ego wants it; to be outlived beyond genes, suffering for satisfaction.
3.
Stitching, embedding, encasing it in, binding stories entombed into work to speak for itself. Be unseen while being seen, read less of me, read my visual language. Don't understand? That's not my problem. I'll dilute it for you, a sprinkle of me to digest. Maintain the intensity, judgement on women, expected, judgement from society, a given. Sacrifice for it sacrifice all of it it does not matter just the work. Want them. Want me. They are commodities I am a commodity.
Consume me.
4.
Layers Distance Transparency
Layers add transparency Layers make opacity Layers make body Body makes validation Validation gives weight Weight gives body Body made of layers Layers are opaque Opaque avoids transparency Transparency avoided.
To see through is to see clearly Unobstructed. Does obstruction give interest Or avoidance? To see clearly removes the layers, looking for transparency removes the layers that are needed, layers of interest and context.
To be layerless but be layered.
5.
6.
To feel numb Withdrawal To be judged, Expectation To be in a world Existing
7.
I will not be judged by my writing so I refuse to make writing. I will be judged for not writing.
I will be judged.
8.
Hostility, condescension. Movement. Allegiances pledged, Movement requested, status stationery. In out, back forth, struggle. Struggling Seen Unseen remaining vague. Complaints Unwanted Speaking out stay quiet.
9.
Requisitioned power, Ignored incitement, that is uncomfortable. Clean it up, please. Honesty is requested, But make it metaphoric, coded. Think as a 'we', in a loop of narcissism. A truth to be worked at, unresolved introspection. Show the struggle, without victimisation. Within the complexity remain visibly invisible.
10.
Collision of dialogues Practice Colliding of people Practice Colluding of counterparts Practical Conclusion of parts Enviable Crisis of conclusions Inevitable Critical collisions End.
